Hello, good friend! My name is Zach,
        I’m glad that you are here.
Before we move much further, though,
        I need to be sincere…
There are two things my eyes can’t bear,
        Two items, so obscene.
I’ll do whatever it might take
        To keep them off my screen.

I work on pictures every day,
        I mostly have a blast!
But on occasion things come up
        That leave me quite aghast.
 

 
 

 

You likely know this marine beast,
        It’s found in briny seas.
Crustaceans from the depths of hell!
        (I’m sure you would agree)
Small to jumbo, fresh or frozen,
        All are oh-so creepy.
Scampi, Cocktail, Kebabs, Gumbo
        Always make me weepy.

When zoomed in close on photographs,
        They bring me to my knees. 
A haunting sight I cannot bear,
        A visual disease!
In case I haven’t made it clear,
        It’s shrimp! A name I curse…
Protect me from these monstrous fiends,
        There’s simply nothing worse.

 

 

The other’s likely in your fridge-
        A favorite sandwich spread?
Potato salad’s milky sheath,
        A creamy veil of dread.
This condiment, opaque and white
        Is made with eggs and oil.
A gloppy, viscous, heavy gunk
        That smells like something spoiled.

While thought to come from coastal Spain
        It’s name is wholly French.
Regrettably its storied past
        Is drowned out by its stench.
The second thing is mayonnaise—
        Please, keep it far away! 
Send ANY other option from
        The condiment buffet.

 

 


Although I have these picky rules
        The rest of me’s quite fun!
Some know me for “the tiny hands
        (well, actually, just one). 
I love a spicy ginger shot,
        I’m scared of Fischer Cats.
How It’s Made’s my favorite show,
        My mom knits the best hats.

 

 


Other than shrimp and mayonnaise, 
        Truly, anything goes!
Turnips, lasers, ninjas, doorknobs,
        Luxury cashmere throws.
I love the people I work for,
        The best folks — no debate. 
They trust me with their pictures and
        I simply think they’re great.

 


          Now that you know my golden rules, feel free to get in touch!
          I’d love to hear from you, my friend, and thank you very much.


Illustrations by Christine Mitchell Adams